I didn't know if I wanted to write any more. It's hard to write any more. It's hard to put down in words the emotions of what I've gone through in the past year. It's depressing and self-indulgent to be an FB whiner so I'm not sure I should even post anymore of my own problems. And yet there are those who have expressed an appreciation for what I've written, That amazes me. I was just trying to to exorcize bad experiences and yet people told me it helped them. It made me feel like I mattered. It made me feel like maybe it was worthwhile in some crazy way, because if I can help someone else, my life is validated.
I've grown so much, I know it's cliche, but it's true. without pain, you don't know pleasure, without struggle, you don't know reward, without suffering you don't know know love.
Many times I've written lists of pros and cons. It's my logical side. 2 failed marriages, 3 amazing daughters--+1 1 casualty {MY Dad} 3 survivors me, my Mom, my oldest daughter from cancer, etc.
And yet still no real answers, that is the human experience. There are no pat answers. We must struggle and fight every day. Rewards are not handed down. Life is not a sound bite. Life is not a 4 letter word. It's not black and white. I don't know and neither do you where it will lead but I am not afraid.
I have now and always will have love and family. My mom, my sister and brothers, my aunts and uncles, and cousins, my friends, the people who I don't even know, who I reach out to every day, and my humanity. It saves me.
Don't give up. Don't ever give up. That is my mantra.
And so for now i walk alone. But with the power and force of my core values. Love and family. Inside my soul and being the outside world is powerless against my strength.
I will prevail. I will survive. Happy holidays.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Cancer--Epilogue
In writing about cancer I am not trying to put myself over. I'm just telling my story. The way we all face life and death is in our own way, and it's just that-our own way. I didn't respect my first wife any less because she couldn't handle emotionally, the fact that our 2 year old had cancer. I felt the same way. I just couldn't freak out because I had to be there for my baby girl. It's who I am. It's what I was taught. The Family comes first.
I don't know how I did that. I was 23 and it was just us 3 alone in California. All I kept thinking was that I wouldn't ALLOW myself to be scared or cry in front of my daughter. It was not an option. It was war.
They say the first time you're in combat with the bullets flying by and your buddies are getting killed, that of course you're scared, of course you want to run and hide, but you move ahead and follow your orders. For your squad. For your buddies. So that you can kill the other guys and live another day. Not for God, or country but for the guys next to you who you love.
We all like to think we're brave, that we will do the right thing when our time comes but it's not always that easy. And if your buddy freaks out you don't look down on him. Because you know you could be there too.
When I was told I had cancer I was concerned more for my family, than for myself. I worried about my children being scared and how my wife would manage if I didn't make it. And my Mom, a cancer survivor herself who had lost her husband to cancer. How would my family react? I could only think of them.
So that helped me deal with it and detach myself from my own personal feelings. Of course I was scared but there are worse things than death. And to me, making my family suffer was more terrible than dying.
Even today with all the progress in the fight against cancer just the word itself scares the shit out of people.
I didn't tell anyone outside of the family until I went to get a biopsy. I was pretty sure it would be positive. I knew what the PSA [blood test] results meant. I had already had another biopsy the year before. So I was ready to hear that word. But most people aren't. People move away from you when you tell them. Like cancer is contagious. I told my Father when he was diagnosed about this and he thought I was being overly dramatic but 6 months later he understood what I meant. It's the fear of death. People think if they don't get too close, if they don't think about it or talk about it, it won't come for them.
When I told people at work, I would sometimes laugh at their shocked expressions. 'Are you going to be okay?' Some would ask. 'I'll try my best.' I'd say. And then tell them not too worry. 'It's okay, I'll see you later.'
And I was lucky. I had found it early and it was contained in my prostate, so surgery did the trick. But I was prepared for radiation too. And I like to think I would have been brave if it was long and not as successful a fight as it turned out. But I'm sure I wouldn't have been a perfect soldier. No one is.
I don't know what my wife went through. She probably felt guilty because she didn't want to stay married to me at the time, which I didn't know. So she didn't want to leave while I went through surgery and recovered. But she left soon after. And I try not to judge her for that. It's over now.It was my fight. And I won this time.I know what I'm made of and what's really important. Love and family. Love and family
I don't know how I did that. I was 23 and it was just us 3 alone in California. All I kept thinking was that I wouldn't ALLOW myself to be scared or cry in front of my daughter. It was not an option. It was war.
They say the first time you're in combat with the bullets flying by and your buddies are getting killed, that of course you're scared, of course you want to run and hide, but you move ahead and follow your orders. For your squad. For your buddies. So that you can kill the other guys and live another day. Not for God, or country but for the guys next to you who you love.
We all like to think we're brave, that we will do the right thing when our time comes but it's not always that easy. And if your buddy freaks out you don't look down on him. Because you know you could be there too.
When I was told I had cancer I was concerned more for my family, than for myself. I worried about my children being scared and how my wife would manage if I didn't make it. And my Mom, a cancer survivor herself who had lost her husband to cancer. How would my family react? I could only think of them.
So that helped me deal with it and detach myself from my own personal feelings. Of course I was scared but there are worse things than death. And to me, making my family suffer was more terrible than dying.
Even today with all the progress in the fight against cancer just the word itself scares the shit out of people.
I didn't tell anyone outside of the family until I went to get a biopsy. I was pretty sure it would be positive. I knew what the PSA [blood test] results meant. I had already had another biopsy the year before. So I was ready to hear that word. But most people aren't. People move away from you when you tell them. Like cancer is contagious. I told my Father when he was diagnosed about this and he thought I was being overly dramatic but 6 months later he understood what I meant. It's the fear of death. People think if they don't get too close, if they don't think about it or talk about it, it won't come for them.
When I told people at work, I would sometimes laugh at their shocked expressions. 'Are you going to be okay?' Some would ask. 'I'll try my best.' I'd say. And then tell them not too worry. 'It's okay, I'll see you later.'
And I was lucky. I had found it early and it was contained in my prostate, so surgery did the trick. But I was prepared for radiation too. And I like to think I would have been brave if it was long and not as successful a fight as it turned out. But I'm sure I wouldn't have been a perfect soldier. No one is.
I don't know what my wife went through. She probably felt guilty because she didn't want to stay married to me at the time, which I didn't know. So she didn't want to leave while I went through surgery and recovered. But she left soon after. And I try not to judge her for that. It's over now.It was my fight. And I won this time.I know what I'm made of and what's really important. Love and family. Love and family
Friday, September 17, 2010
Cancer Part 2
I wrote in my first blog entry how I was diagnosed with prostate cancer from a blood test. A simple blood test called PSA will tell if you're likely to have prostate cancer, so to anyone reading this if you're a man you should have it done. And any woman who is in love with a man should make sure he gets it done.
After the blood test a biopsy was performed and when it came back positive I was told to get a bone scan. Immediately. I went from that office to get the scan done and then waited a week for the results. That was the only time I was really scared. Because not many people beat bone cancer and its very painful. I started to make plans in case I died. Prostate cancer is the 2nd leading cancer killer of men and is very aggressive in men under 60.
I breathed a sigh of relief when the bone scan was negative and then discussed the options available with my specialist. There was radiation which usually works but causes scarring, and if the cancer comes back, would make surgery difficult. There was hormone therapy but that usually only helped those over 60. So surgery was the best option. They would do robotic surgery, which means smaller incisions, more precise surgery and faster healing. My surgeon had performed this operation over 100 times and was confident. But I knew it was a difficult and delicate operation and so I thought it over. I could end up impotent and incontinent for life. But it was the surest, fastest way to eliminate the cancer. So the decision was easy.
My family needed me and if the results physically weren't good, as long as I was alive, I could help my family and still be there for them.
It took me 5 weeks to recover and get back to work. I work in the wholesale beer business, I'm a beer guy. Which is probably the worst thing I could be doing after an operation like this, lifting and pushing beer. Manual labor. But I had to get back to work.
My wife, unknown to me, didn't want to be with me anymore. After years of struggling financially while she went to work full-time and worked part-time, while I worked as many hours as I could and ran the house, she had decided to start a new life without me once she graduated and got a job. The cancer delayed her plans but not for very long.
She acted at first like the cancer was an annoyance for her which I didn't understand at the time. She resented the fact that people showed me sympathy and she had to work and run the house while I recovered. She started to want sex all the time after being very cold for over a year, and then suddenly it stopped. Being married and in love I thought the sex would bring us closer together. That we were courting again. What I didn't know was that she was on the internet flirting with old boyfriends. So she dropped a bomb on me with a text when I asked why the sudden coldness again. She said she loved me but she wasn't in love with me.
That's been the hardest thing to deal with. Physical pain can be handled much easier than emotional pain. It hasn't been easier dealing this time with cancer and divorce either. Because this time I had the cancer and I'm still recovering physically from it. But I can't be concerned anymore about the why's. About the injustice.I just try to live in the present. To endure is a part of justice. And the best way to avenge a wrong is not to become the wrong-doer.
I don't always succeed with my plan but I try not to be discouraged if I can't succeed everyday, but am content if the greater part of what I do is consistent with my plan. My plan has always been to heal myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and be there for my children.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.
After the blood test a biopsy was performed and when it came back positive I was told to get a bone scan. Immediately. I went from that office to get the scan done and then waited a week for the results. That was the only time I was really scared. Because not many people beat bone cancer and its very painful. I started to make plans in case I died. Prostate cancer is the 2nd leading cancer killer of men and is very aggressive in men under 60.
I breathed a sigh of relief when the bone scan was negative and then discussed the options available with my specialist. There was radiation which usually works but causes scarring, and if the cancer comes back, would make surgery difficult. There was hormone therapy but that usually only helped those over 60. So surgery was the best option. They would do robotic surgery, which means smaller incisions, more precise surgery and faster healing. My surgeon had performed this operation over 100 times and was confident. But I knew it was a difficult and delicate operation and so I thought it over. I could end up impotent and incontinent for life. But it was the surest, fastest way to eliminate the cancer. So the decision was easy.
My family needed me and if the results physically weren't good, as long as I was alive, I could help my family and still be there for them.
It took me 5 weeks to recover and get back to work. I work in the wholesale beer business, I'm a beer guy. Which is probably the worst thing I could be doing after an operation like this, lifting and pushing beer. Manual labor. But I had to get back to work.
My wife, unknown to me, didn't want to be with me anymore. After years of struggling financially while she went to work full-time and worked part-time, while I worked as many hours as I could and ran the house, she had decided to start a new life without me once she graduated and got a job. The cancer delayed her plans but not for very long.
She acted at first like the cancer was an annoyance for her which I didn't understand at the time. She resented the fact that people showed me sympathy and she had to work and run the house while I recovered. She started to want sex all the time after being very cold for over a year, and then suddenly it stopped. Being married and in love I thought the sex would bring us closer together. That we were courting again. What I didn't know was that she was on the internet flirting with old boyfriends. So she dropped a bomb on me with a text when I asked why the sudden coldness again. She said she loved me but she wasn't in love with me.
That's been the hardest thing to deal with. Physical pain can be handled much easier than emotional pain. It hasn't been easier dealing this time with cancer and divorce either. Because this time I had the cancer and I'm still recovering physically from it. But I can't be concerned anymore about the why's. About the injustice.I just try to live in the present. To endure is a part of justice. And the best way to avenge a wrong is not to become the wrong-doer.
I don't always succeed with my plan but I try not to be discouraged if I can't succeed everyday, but am content if the greater part of what I do is consistent with my plan. My plan has always been to heal myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and be there for my children.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.
Cancer Part 1
People have responded to this blog with kind words and encouragement which is much appreciated, and told me I could perhaps help others by writing down my experiences. I don't know if that's true, or if my own experience is too subjective, because of the fact that cancer and divorce happened to me twice, and were both so closely connected.
But maybe my words can help someone, so in that vein I will write more in depth of my personal experience. So let me start first with cancer.
My oldest daughter [now 30] contracted cancer when she was 2 and I was 23.My wife and I were living in California and after 2 weeks of testing we were given the news. Everyone freaked out. When I told my Father over the phone he started crying. It was one of 2 times I ever heard him cry. My wife was hysterical and I had to do all the talking to medical people because she wouldn't calm down enough to talk rationally.
I never let my daughter see me scared or cry. But while trying to keep my emotions in check, I had to withdraw into myself and couldn't spend as much time as my wife though I should have comforting her. So she resented me for not being there for her.
After surgery and a year of chemotherapy, my marriage began to break up. My wife ended up moving around a lot and even kept my daughter away from me for 3 years just to hurt me. I went into an emotional tailspin and barely survived. But I was there for my daughter when she needed me and so I don't regret what I did and the unforseen consequences of it. I moved back to my hometown in CT.
I met my 2nd wife while I was in this "lost weekend" period of my life and after 1 year of dating, and 2 years of living together we got married and moved to Florida where my first wife had settled for the past 5 years with my daughter. I wanted to be near her and my present wife was willing to move.
While this was happening, my Father was fighting his own battle with cancer. Which he eventually lost. He understood my desire to be with my daughter and told me I should be with my family. How I miss his wisdom and guidance. He had taught me how to be a man.So I left for Florida and 18 years passed.
And then cancer came for me.
But maybe my words can help someone, so in that vein I will write more in depth of my personal experience. So let me start first with cancer.
My oldest daughter [now 30] contracted cancer when she was 2 and I was 23.My wife and I were living in California and after 2 weeks of testing we were given the news. Everyone freaked out. When I told my Father over the phone he started crying. It was one of 2 times I ever heard him cry. My wife was hysterical and I had to do all the talking to medical people because she wouldn't calm down enough to talk rationally.
I never let my daughter see me scared or cry. But while trying to keep my emotions in check, I had to withdraw into myself and couldn't spend as much time as my wife though I should have comforting her. So she resented me for not being there for her.
After surgery and a year of chemotherapy, my marriage began to break up. My wife ended up moving around a lot and even kept my daughter away from me for 3 years just to hurt me. I went into an emotional tailspin and barely survived. But I was there for my daughter when she needed me and so I don't regret what I did and the unforseen consequences of it. I moved back to my hometown in CT.
I met my 2nd wife while I was in this "lost weekend" period of my life and after 1 year of dating, and 2 years of living together we got married and moved to Florida where my first wife had settled for the past 5 years with my daughter. I wanted to be near her and my present wife was willing to move.
While this was happening, my Father was fighting his own battle with cancer. Which he eventually lost. He understood my desire to be with my daughter and told me I should be with my family. How I miss his wisdom and guidance. He had taught me how to be a man.So I left for Florida and 18 years passed.
And then cancer came for me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The fog is lifting
It's been 9 months since the beginning of the year. 10 months since my cancer surgery. 8 months since my wife told me she didn't love me. And now I finally am starting to reclaim myself. I don't spend as much time arguing with her inside my head. She's almost gone. And its okay. Finally. The tide is turning.
I have nothing. But I also have nothing to lose. I'm starting to remember the person I am. And I like myself again. I'm not such a bad dude. I have my faults and the cancer may have changed me physically, But I am getting back to being me.
I've always been a survivor. And I still have my essence. I can feel it again.
It's good to be back. And I know I'm needed by my children so I still have a purpose. It's to be the man I always was.
So I'm putting away the self-pity. Drying out the crying towel and going over the hill of this long road.
I don't know where it will lead, but it will be new. And new is good.
Oh yeah, I can feel it.
"Rounding third and headed for home it was a brown-eyed handsome man who won the game, it was a brown-eyed handsome man."
Chuck Berry
I have nothing. But I also have nothing to lose. I'm starting to remember the person I am. And I like myself again. I'm not such a bad dude. I have my faults and the cancer may have changed me physically, But I am getting back to being me.
I've always been a survivor. And I still have my essence. I can feel it again.
It's good to be back. And I know I'm needed by my children so I still have a purpose. It's to be the man I always was.
So I'm putting away the self-pity. Drying out the crying towel and going over the hill of this long road.
I don't know where it will lead, but it will be new. And new is good.
Oh yeah, I can feel it.
"Rounding third and headed for home it was a brown-eyed handsome man who won the game, it was a brown-eyed handsome man."
Chuck Berry
Saturday, September 4, 2010
To be Stoic
I began this blog as a mental exercise to remind myself of the goals I aspire to now and always. Having to deal with the end of my marriage and cancer in six months has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, and so at times I've veered away from my beliefs and from the person I aspire to be.
So I started writing this blog to see in words, what I am feeling, and perhaps to exorcise the bad passions and emotions out of my soul through this very act of writing them down.
I aspire to be a Stoic wise man. I've studied many philosophies and all the major religions, and the Stoics always seemed to resonate with me and what I want to achieve in life.
The said to live according to your own nature. That virtue alone is sufficient for your happiness. And whatever is truly good must benefit you under all circumstances. Because sometimes money and even being healthy are not necessarily"good". They just are money and being healthy.It's up up you what you do with them.
The only things that are truly good are the virtues of wisdom, justice, courage and moderation.Only that which is noble or morally good are necessary for happiness.
You should not be manipulated by the bad passions, but instead be in command of your reactions and responses to things as they occur.
I have repeated these things to myself as I waged my internal war with my own bad passions and I am starting to win.
I am not yet the Stoic wise man but I will never stop trying to become him.
"For this is your duty, to act well the part that is given to you."
Epictetus
So I started writing this blog to see in words, what I am feeling, and perhaps to exorcise the bad passions and emotions out of my soul through this very act of writing them down.
I aspire to be a Stoic wise man. I've studied many philosophies and all the major religions, and the Stoics always seemed to resonate with me and what I want to achieve in life.
The said to live according to your own nature. That virtue alone is sufficient for your happiness. And whatever is truly good must benefit you under all circumstances. Because sometimes money and even being healthy are not necessarily"good". They just are money and being healthy.It's up up you what you do with them.
The only things that are truly good are the virtues of wisdom, justice, courage and moderation.Only that which is noble or morally good are necessary for happiness.
You should not be manipulated by the bad passions, but instead be in command of your reactions and responses to things as they occur.
I have repeated these things to myself as I waged my internal war with my own bad passions and I am starting to win.
I am not yet the Stoic wise man but I will never stop trying to become him.
"For this is your duty, to act well the part that is given to you."
Epictetus
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Time
I have nothing but time. No money, no girlfriend, no fun or exciting things on my my horizon. But plenty of time.
When I was married, it was the opposite. I never had time for myself. There were the kids, the wife, the constant maintenance of house and cars and yard. Now it's just me in my little apt. And time.
I have tried to find a part-time job but with unemployment at 12% there isn't much out there. I work any OT offered at my job and I wait. I wait for time to heal me physically from the after effects of the cancer and surgery. From the emotional wounds, from the prison and solitude in which I now live. Time is my friend and time is my tormentor. And I wait.
Einstein said that time was relative, that it wasn't a fixed permanent thing. It changed according to your place in the universe. My place is behind the eight ball. And so I wait. And I hope when change does come it will bring some positives to balance out all the downs of the past year. I have time. I will wait. I have no choice.
When I was married, it was the opposite. I never had time for myself. There were the kids, the wife, the constant maintenance of house and cars and yard. Now it's just me in my little apt. And time.
I have tried to find a part-time job but with unemployment at 12% there isn't much out there. I work any OT offered at my job and I wait. I wait for time to heal me physically from the after effects of the cancer and surgery. From the emotional wounds, from the prison and solitude in which I now live. Time is my friend and time is my tormentor. And I wait.
Einstein said that time was relative, that it wasn't a fixed permanent thing. It changed according to your place in the universe. My place is behind the eight ball. And so I wait. And I hope when change does come it will bring some positives to balance out all the downs of the past year. I have time. I will wait. I have no choice.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Milestones
Today is the 18th birthday of my 2nd daughter.Last week my oldest daughter turned 30. I remember the days they were born and how happy and proud I was. To know I had a part in creating something as amazing as a new life is easily my greatest accomplishment and has always given me my purpose in life.
And yet these milestones also tell me that I am alone again. Without them. Like so many fathers I have been delegated to a part-time parent through no choice of my own. We divorced fathers have to fight to be included and are never sure where we fit into our childs' lives after we leave the house.
It's just another burden we shoulder as we try to move on. And its the heaviest burden of all.
Cancer and death never scared me. But living without them is a thought that shakes me to my soul.
So I will get up in the morning and fight through another day and hope my love is there with them somehow even though I am not.
And yet these milestones also tell me that I am alone again. Without them. Like so many fathers I have been delegated to a part-time parent through no choice of my own. We divorced fathers have to fight to be included and are never sure where we fit into our childs' lives after we leave the house.
It's just another burden we shoulder as we try to move on. And its the heaviest burden of all.
Cancer and death never scared me. But living without them is a thought that shakes me to my soul.
So I will get up in the morning and fight through another day and hope my love is there with them somehow even though I am not.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Quality
I have been trying to come to a middle ground with my emotional well-being and I think I have come to an epiphany of sorts. It hasn't been easy, and perhaps I have been slower than some and maybe I have come to this were others never go, but at last I am starting to remember who and what I am at the core.
The whole duality of man thing. Emotional/logical. I do have a German brain and a Sicilian heart. So I have tried to understand what I needed to do while wrestling with the irrational/emotional demands of my ego. For while the purpose of all living things is to exist and reproduce; us humans also need love. So when that love disappears where do you turn?
I still have the love of my 3 beautiful daughters. They sustain me. And my family and friends. So there is love, and yet I remember this too. Quality. The quality of a true and purposeful existence.
I knew this at 14 and it still rings true at 53.At times it's made me feel alone to know I felt this. Most people are only concerned about the immediate things in life. How much money do I have? Who thinks I'm a great person? Do you like me?
We are social beings and it's hard not to do the things everyone expects you to do even if you don't want to. I honestly have never cared. I have tried to live an honorable life. Life can take my possessions, women I give my heart to can reject me, but I keep my eyes on that truth. Living an honorable life and leaving this world knowing I have truly lived and loved and tried to improve the quality of my life by loving and understanding as many people as I could have.
So I embrace my pain and hold it close. It tells me I am truly alive. If I were weak or numb to living I would feel nothing. If I didn't think or self-medicated my pain I wouldn't know true happiness. So I recognize my inner turmoil and smile. You haven't beaten me. You have shown me the way. I will live another day and I will love another day regardless of the cost.
What's the worst that could happen? Death? Everybody dies,
And I will live my life on my own terms. Integrity and quality are the words that make me exist and demand I reach ever and always for the higher plane.
The whole duality of man thing. Emotional/logical. I do have a German brain and a Sicilian heart. So I have tried to understand what I needed to do while wrestling with the irrational/emotional demands of my ego. For while the purpose of all living things is to exist and reproduce; us humans also need love. So when that love disappears where do you turn?
I still have the love of my 3 beautiful daughters. They sustain me. And my family and friends. So there is love, and yet I remember this too. Quality. The quality of a true and purposeful existence.
I knew this at 14 and it still rings true at 53.At times it's made me feel alone to know I felt this. Most people are only concerned about the immediate things in life. How much money do I have? Who thinks I'm a great person? Do you like me?
We are social beings and it's hard not to do the things everyone expects you to do even if you don't want to. I honestly have never cared. I have tried to live an honorable life. Life can take my possessions, women I give my heart to can reject me, but I keep my eyes on that truth. Living an honorable life and leaving this world knowing I have truly lived and loved and tried to improve the quality of my life by loving and understanding as many people as I could have.
So I embrace my pain and hold it close. It tells me I am truly alive. If I were weak or numb to living I would feel nothing. If I didn't think or self-medicated my pain I wouldn't know true happiness. So I recognize my inner turmoil and smile. You haven't beaten me. You have shown me the way. I will live another day and I will love another day regardless of the cost.
What's the worst that could happen? Death? Everybody dies,
And I will live my life on my own terms. Integrity and quality are the words that make me exist and demand I reach ever and always for the higher plane.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Dreams
I've finally stopped having dreams about my ex. That life, our life, is starting to fade... It reminded me about my lifelong dream. It's the American dream. A wife and family, forever.
That was what I wanted. Not fame or riches. Just a family, and love. It makes me think of one of my favorite poems called dreams.
Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird,
Who cannot fly. So it is time to begin the process of moving on. And yet I don't know how to start. At 53 it's hard to begin again. And yet it's also exciting and mysterious. Langston Hughes the writer of that poem had an answer to the dreams poem. It's called "A Dream Deferred"
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore---
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
That is something I must discover myself. Weather I ever find love again or live alone until I go, it is my decision, and it is the unknown.
That was what I wanted. Not fame or riches. Just a family, and love. It makes me think of one of my favorite poems called dreams.
Hold fast to dreams,
for if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird,
Who cannot fly. So it is time to begin the process of moving on. And yet I don't know how to start. At 53 it's hard to begin again. And yet it's also exciting and mysterious. Langston Hughes the writer of that poem had an answer to the dreams poem. It's called "A Dream Deferred"
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore---
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
That is something I must discover myself. Weather I ever find love again or live alone until I go, it is my decision, and it is the unknown.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Hope
Lest you think it's all doom and gloom, I still have always had hope. That's right, I am not religious, don't know if there is a God or if Jesus is the messiah, but I have always had hope. I don't know why either. It's just there.
In my darkest times and there have been many, hope has always peeked in and offered a chance. For renewal,salvation, forgiveness, and a new chance. So now in another time of testing and tribulation I say Fuck you fate, I will survive! You can't beat me. I will go down fighting. For my children, for the familia, I face the darkness, I am a man and I can survive!
Love and family. Love and family, something neither one of the ex-wifes really understood. For me they are not just words. They are my code, my reason for being. As I have gotten older I've realized this on a deeper and deeper level. They sustain me and give me strength. The world crumbles before them and I am renewed.
I feel sorry for people that have never learned that, who cling to money and temporary pleasures. Love conquers all-----------For to be truly free you must give yourself regardless of the consequences. Let the chips fall where they may. I will not change no matter the cost!
In my darkest times and there have been many, hope has always peeked in and offered a chance. For renewal,salvation, forgiveness, and a new chance. So now in another time of testing and tribulation I say Fuck you fate, I will survive! You can't beat me. I will go down fighting. For my children, for the familia, I face the darkness, I am a man and I can survive!
Love and family. Love and family, something neither one of the ex-wifes really understood. For me they are not just words. They are my code, my reason for being. As I have gotten older I've realized this on a deeper and deeper level. They sustain me and give me strength. The world crumbles before them and I am renewed.
I feel sorry for people that have never learned that, who cling to money and temporary pleasures. Love conquers all-----------For to be truly free you must give yourself regardless of the consequences. Let the chips fall where they may. I will not change no matter the cost!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Survival
And so it comes down to this. Survival. I have always struggled financially while I was married, and I didn't really mind. I always had my family, that was all I needed.
Now it's just me. I have less than half the income I once had, and money is even tighter.
But that's not the hard part. Not having a partner to face the world is the hard part. Knowing that person has betrayed me and turned into a stranger is still a concept I struggle to come to grips with.
So I do not live. I survive, I exist.
I savor every moment I don't dwell on this, and try to focus on the future. But my present is my purgatory. I'm in an emotional prison and I'm waiting for parole.
The effects of the cancer and the surgery to remove it are still affecting me physically, so there is an added dynamic to my losing my married/family life. Who can understand or relate to that? Therapy helped me in my darkest time but I can't afford to pay someone to listen to my whining. My Mom has always done that for free. And now I have the people who might be reading my blog {Not exactly fun reading} And so it goes...
Now it's just me. I have less than half the income I once had, and money is even tighter.
But that's not the hard part. Not having a partner to face the world is the hard part. Knowing that person has betrayed me and turned into a stranger is still a concept I struggle to come to grips with.
So I do not live. I survive, I exist.
I savor every moment I don't dwell on this, and try to focus on the future. But my present is my purgatory. I'm in an emotional prison and I'm waiting for parole.
The effects of the cancer and the surgery to remove it are still affecting me physically, so there is an added dynamic to my losing my married/family life. Who can understand or relate to that? Therapy helped me in my darkest time but I can't afford to pay someone to listen to my whining. My Mom has always done that for free. And now I have the people who might be reading my blog {Not exactly fun reading} And so it goes...
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Demons
Today I battled the demons. They torment me with memories and "what ifs". They tell me not to go on, there's too much pain and it's too hard. I hate myself for it, but I listen. They try to sway me with their perverse logic and sometimes I get confused enough to think maybe they're right. Especially when I'm having a bad day. And most days are bad days. The victories are few. I try to push them away and clear my head, and wait for the pain to ease and then I busy myself with something, anything to change the constant bad movie being played in my mind.
Then, slowly, eventually, it will ease up and I can catch my breath.
At those times I feel stronger, I feel like I can beat his thing and move on. And the demons sit there silently, waiting.
I will soldier on, the war has just begun. My heart and soul are in the biggest firefight of their lives and I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines.
Then, slowly, eventually, it will ease up and I can catch my breath.
At those times I feel stronger, I feel like I can beat his thing and move on. And the demons sit there silently, waiting.
I will soldier on, the war has just begun. My heart and soul are in the biggest firefight of their lives and I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Creating a new life
Well I have been alone and on my own for a couple months, so I am creating a new life now. I don't have the same bad relationship with my soon to be ex-wife [that's good]. And I'm not a full-time Dad [that's something I miss very much] but it is what it is. It cannot be denied. So I have tried to weigh the good versus the bad and draw conclusions and come up with some kind of order. That's the hard part. I don't know where I am anymore.
I mean by that, I was always a happy-go-lucky kind of guy who rolled with the punches of a hardscrabble life and was generally happy, because I had family . Now they're pretty much gone. They're not here. I'm on the outside. Who am I? Pretty damn philosophical.. But I mean where's the ME now? The identity?
I have always had a good sense of humor, I have always been able to make people laugh. Few things have ever given me more joy than to hear someone laugh over something I said. And now, well, I don't have that. Where did it go? I have struggled to find that guy and get him back. But he's been replaced and I miss that. But...I have developed a sense of empathy and respect for others I don't think I had before. I actually listen to other people and sympathize with their problems and it gives me satisfaction. Maybe I can grow and learn from this, and maybe this is the start of healing. Maybe this is how it begins...
I mean by that, I was always a happy-go-lucky kind of guy who rolled with the punches of a hardscrabble life and was generally happy, because I had family . Now they're pretty much gone. They're not here. I'm on the outside. Who am I? Pretty damn philosophical.. But I mean where's the ME now? The identity?
I have always had a good sense of humor, I have always been able to make people laugh. Few things have ever given me more joy than to hear someone laugh over something I said. And now, well, I don't have that. Where did it go? I have struggled to find that guy and get him back. But he's been replaced and I miss that. But...I have developed a sense of empathy and respect for others I don't think I had before. I actually listen to other people and sympathize with their problems and it gives me satisfaction. Maybe I can grow and learn from this, and maybe this is the start of healing. Maybe this is how it begins...
Friday, August 6, 2010
Loneliness
Loneliness is the hardest thing I've had to deal with these past 6 months. I have been with my ex-wife for 23 years and our 2 children are 17 [18 this month] and 12.
I have always put them first. There was never a time when I though of myself and now I have to re-adjust. It's so hard to change and it's not any easier, really.
I talk to the kids everyday and the youngest, Emily spends 2 nights and 2 days with me, which helps a great deal. The teen, Alison and I have gotten closer and that's nice, but of course it's not the same.
The pain is worse than anything I've ever felt physically. Some days I don't know if I can bear it.
I think I'm in the "sad"stage now. I've gone through denial and anger and now I just ruminate over and over about the unfairness, the sadness of it all. I wish it was a bad dream, but it is reality and I have to get over it. I know that intellectually, but the emotions rule my soul, and laugh at my attempts to come to grips with it.
Mother Teresa once said that loneliness was the worst form of poverty and I know we're you're coming from sister, I surely do...
I have always put them first. There was never a time when I though of myself and now I have to re-adjust. It's so hard to change and it's not any easier, really.
I talk to the kids everyday and the youngest, Emily spends 2 nights and 2 days with me, which helps a great deal. The teen, Alison and I have gotten closer and that's nice, but of course it's not the same.
The pain is worse than anything I've ever felt physically. Some days I don't know if I can bear it.
I think I'm in the "sad"stage now. I've gone through denial and anger and now I just ruminate over and over about the unfairness, the sadness of it all. I wish it was a bad dream, but it is reality and I have to get over it. I know that intellectually, but the emotions rule my soul, and laugh at my attempts to come to grips with it.
Mother Teresa once said that loneliness was the worst form of poverty and I know we're you're coming from sister, I surely do...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Cancer and Divorce in the last 6 months and writing my way out...
It started with a biopsy of my prostate gland. The second one in two years. They shoot 12 needles into it. The prostate is the size of a walnut. So a biopsy is like a bad prison date.
They confirmed it was cancer and told me to get a bone scan immediately, which I had to wait a week to hear the results from.
My wife had an annoyed look when we were told I had cancer and I felt strangely confident, I could face anything with her by my side, but I felt something when I saw that look, I didn't know what it meant. Only later did I realize the look meant a delay of her plans of starting a new life without me.
The surgery was tough and I was pretty sore for 3 or 4 days. I also had a catheter for 16 days. It was hard but I was determined to get my life back.
After I was able to go back to work in 5 weeks, my wife started to want to spend more time with me. Romantically. I wasn't yet fully healed plumbing-wise so I did the best I could and adapted with all the creativity I had. It was wonderful and I thought we would get closer, after so many years.
She had been going to nursing school full-time and working part-time and I had been working as many hours as I could and doing most of the housework/child-rearing. We had a plan for me to go to school full-time and work part-time when she got her degree, I don't know when she changed her plan or why and she's never really explained it.
One day the fun and games stopped. Romance was over and she became cold. She started posting come-hither poses on her Facebook pages and I found out later, talking with old boyfriends.
Finally I kept asking her over and over one day "What's wrong?" "Why the sudden distance and coldness?"
She told me in a text message----I love you I'm just not in love with you.
She left 2 weeks later to spend a week in our old hometown getting drunk in our old hometown with "friends".
My so-called single life had begun.
They confirmed it was cancer and told me to get a bone scan immediately, which I had to wait a week to hear the results from.
My wife had an annoyed look when we were told I had cancer and I felt strangely confident, I could face anything with her by my side, but I felt something when I saw that look, I didn't know what it meant. Only later did I realize the look meant a delay of her plans of starting a new life without me.
The surgery was tough and I was pretty sore for 3 or 4 days. I also had a catheter for 16 days. It was hard but I was determined to get my life back.
After I was able to go back to work in 5 weeks, my wife started to want to spend more time with me. Romantically. I wasn't yet fully healed plumbing-wise so I did the best I could and adapted with all the creativity I had. It was wonderful and I thought we would get closer, after so many years.
She had been going to nursing school full-time and working part-time and I had been working as many hours as I could and doing most of the housework/child-rearing. We had a plan for me to go to school full-time and work part-time when she got her degree, I don't know when she changed her plan or why and she's never really explained it.
One day the fun and games stopped. Romance was over and she became cold. She started posting come-hither poses on her Facebook pages and I found out later, talking with old boyfriends.
Finally I kept asking her over and over one day "What's wrong?" "Why the sudden distance and coldness?"
She told me in a text message----I love you I'm just not in love with you.
She left 2 weeks later to spend a week in our old hometown getting drunk in our old hometown with "friends".
My so-called single life had begun.
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