I didn't know if I wanted to write any more. It's hard to write any more. It's hard to put down in words the emotions of what I've gone through in the past year. It's depressing and self-indulgent to be an FB whiner so I'm not sure I should even post anymore of my own problems. And yet there are those who have expressed an appreciation for what I've written, That amazes me. I was just trying to to exorcize bad experiences and yet people told me it helped them. It made me feel like I mattered. It made me feel like maybe it was worthwhile in some crazy way, because if I can help someone else, my life is validated.
I've grown so much, I know it's cliche, but it's true. without pain, you don't know pleasure, without struggle, you don't know reward, without suffering you don't know know love.
Many times I've written lists of pros and cons. It's my logical side. 2 failed marriages, 3 amazing daughters--+1 1 casualty {MY Dad} 3 survivors me, my Mom, my oldest daughter from cancer, etc.
And yet still no real answers, that is the human experience. There are no pat answers. We must struggle and fight every day. Rewards are not handed down. Life is not a sound bite. Life is not a 4 letter word. It's not black and white. I don't know and neither do you where it will lead but I am not afraid.
I have now and always will have love and family. My mom, my sister and brothers, my aunts and uncles, and cousins, my friends, the people who I don't even know, who I reach out to every day, and my humanity. It saves me.
Don't give up. Don't ever give up. That is my mantra.
And so for now i walk alone. But with the power and force of my core values. Love and family. Inside my soul and being the outside world is powerless against my strength.
I will prevail. I will survive. Happy holidays.
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