In writing about cancer I am not trying to put myself over. I'm just telling my story. The way we all face life and death is in our own way, and it's just that-our own way. I didn't respect my first wife any less because she couldn't handle emotionally, the fact that our 2 year old had cancer. I felt the same way. I just couldn't freak out because I had to be there for my baby girl. It's who I am. It's what I was taught. The Family comes first.
I don't know how I did that. I was 23 and it was just us 3 alone in California. All I kept thinking was that I wouldn't ALLOW myself to be scared or cry in front of my daughter. It was not an option. It was war.
They say the first time you're in combat with the bullets flying by and your buddies are getting killed, that of course you're scared, of course you want to run and hide, but you move ahead and follow your orders. For your squad. For your buddies. So that you can kill the other guys and live another day. Not for God, or country but for the guys next to you who you love.
We all like to think we're brave, that we will do the right thing when our time comes but it's not always that easy. And if your buddy freaks out you don't look down on him. Because you know you could be there too.
When I was told I had cancer I was concerned more for my family, than for myself. I worried about my children being scared and how my wife would manage if I didn't make it. And my Mom, a cancer survivor herself who had lost her husband to cancer. How would my family react? I could only think of them.
So that helped me deal with it and detach myself from my own personal feelings. Of course I was scared but there are worse things than death. And to me, making my family suffer was more terrible than dying.
Even today with all the progress in the fight against cancer just the word itself scares the shit out of people.
I didn't tell anyone outside of the family until I went to get a biopsy. I was pretty sure it would be positive. I knew what the PSA [blood test] results meant. I had already had another biopsy the year before. So I was ready to hear that word. But most people aren't. People move away from you when you tell them. Like cancer is contagious. I told my Father when he was diagnosed about this and he thought I was being overly dramatic but 6 months later he understood what I meant. It's the fear of death. People think if they don't get too close, if they don't think about it or talk about it, it won't come for them.
When I told people at work, I would sometimes laugh at their shocked expressions. 'Are you going to be okay?' Some would ask. 'I'll try my best.' I'd say. And then tell them not too worry. 'It's okay, I'll see you later.'
And I was lucky. I had found it early and it was contained in my prostate, so surgery did the trick. But I was prepared for radiation too. And I like to think I would have been brave if it was long and not as successful a fight as it turned out. But I'm sure I wouldn't have been a perfect soldier. No one is.
I don't know what my wife went through. She probably felt guilty because she didn't want to stay married to me at the time, which I didn't know. So she didn't want to leave while I went through surgery and recovered. But she left soon after. And I try not to judge her for that. It's over now.It was my fight. And I won this time.I know what I'm made of and what's really important. Love and family. Love and family
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Cancer Part 2
I wrote in my first blog entry how I was diagnosed with prostate cancer from a blood test. A simple blood test called PSA will tell if you're likely to have prostate cancer, so to anyone reading this if you're a man you should have it done. And any woman who is in love with a man should make sure he gets it done.
After the blood test a biopsy was performed and when it came back positive I was told to get a bone scan. Immediately. I went from that office to get the scan done and then waited a week for the results. That was the only time I was really scared. Because not many people beat bone cancer and its very painful. I started to make plans in case I died. Prostate cancer is the 2nd leading cancer killer of men and is very aggressive in men under 60.
I breathed a sigh of relief when the bone scan was negative and then discussed the options available with my specialist. There was radiation which usually works but causes scarring, and if the cancer comes back, would make surgery difficult. There was hormone therapy but that usually only helped those over 60. So surgery was the best option. They would do robotic surgery, which means smaller incisions, more precise surgery and faster healing. My surgeon had performed this operation over 100 times and was confident. But I knew it was a difficult and delicate operation and so I thought it over. I could end up impotent and incontinent for life. But it was the surest, fastest way to eliminate the cancer. So the decision was easy.
My family needed me and if the results physically weren't good, as long as I was alive, I could help my family and still be there for them.
It took me 5 weeks to recover and get back to work. I work in the wholesale beer business, I'm a beer guy. Which is probably the worst thing I could be doing after an operation like this, lifting and pushing beer. Manual labor. But I had to get back to work.
My wife, unknown to me, didn't want to be with me anymore. After years of struggling financially while she went to work full-time and worked part-time, while I worked as many hours as I could and ran the house, she had decided to start a new life without me once she graduated and got a job. The cancer delayed her plans but not for very long.
She acted at first like the cancer was an annoyance for her which I didn't understand at the time. She resented the fact that people showed me sympathy and she had to work and run the house while I recovered. She started to want sex all the time after being very cold for over a year, and then suddenly it stopped. Being married and in love I thought the sex would bring us closer together. That we were courting again. What I didn't know was that she was on the internet flirting with old boyfriends. So she dropped a bomb on me with a text when I asked why the sudden coldness again. She said she loved me but she wasn't in love with me.
That's been the hardest thing to deal with. Physical pain can be handled much easier than emotional pain. It hasn't been easier dealing this time with cancer and divorce either. Because this time I had the cancer and I'm still recovering physically from it. But I can't be concerned anymore about the why's. About the injustice.I just try to live in the present. To endure is a part of justice. And the best way to avenge a wrong is not to become the wrong-doer.
I don't always succeed with my plan but I try not to be discouraged if I can't succeed everyday, but am content if the greater part of what I do is consistent with my plan. My plan has always been to heal myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and be there for my children.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.
After the blood test a biopsy was performed and when it came back positive I was told to get a bone scan. Immediately. I went from that office to get the scan done and then waited a week for the results. That was the only time I was really scared. Because not many people beat bone cancer and its very painful. I started to make plans in case I died. Prostate cancer is the 2nd leading cancer killer of men and is very aggressive in men under 60.
I breathed a sigh of relief when the bone scan was negative and then discussed the options available with my specialist. There was radiation which usually works but causes scarring, and if the cancer comes back, would make surgery difficult. There was hormone therapy but that usually only helped those over 60. So surgery was the best option. They would do robotic surgery, which means smaller incisions, more precise surgery and faster healing. My surgeon had performed this operation over 100 times and was confident. But I knew it was a difficult and delicate operation and so I thought it over. I could end up impotent and incontinent for life. But it was the surest, fastest way to eliminate the cancer. So the decision was easy.
My family needed me and if the results physically weren't good, as long as I was alive, I could help my family and still be there for them.
It took me 5 weeks to recover and get back to work. I work in the wholesale beer business, I'm a beer guy. Which is probably the worst thing I could be doing after an operation like this, lifting and pushing beer. Manual labor. But I had to get back to work.
My wife, unknown to me, didn't want to be with me anymore. After years of struggling financially while she went to work full-time and worked part-time, while I worked as many hours as I could and ran the house, she had decided to start a new life without me once she graduated and got a job. The cancer delayed her plans but not for very long.
She acted at first like the cancer was an annoyance for her which I didn't understand at the time. She resented the fact that people showed me sympathy and she had to work and run the house while I recovered. She started to want sex all the time after being very cold for over a year, and then suddenly it stopped. Being married and in love I thought the sex would bring us closer together. That we were courting again. What I didn't know was that she was on the internet flirting with old boyfriends. So she dropped a bomb on me with a text when I asked why the sudden coldness again. She said she loved me but she wasn't in love with me.
That's been the hardest thing to deal with. Physical pain can be handled much easier than emotional pain. It hasn't been easier dealing this time with cancer and divorce either. Because this time I had the cancer and I'm still recovering physically from it. But I can't be concerned anymore about the why's. About the injustice.I just try to live in the present. To endure is a part of justice. And the best way to avenge a wrong is not to become the wrong-doer.
I don't always succeed with my plan but I try not to be discouraged if I can't succeed everyday, but am content if the greater part of what I do is consistent with my plan. My plan has always been to heal myself physically, emotionally and spiritually and be there for my children.
That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.
Cancer Part 1
People have responded to this blog with kind words and encouragement which is much appreciated, and told me I could perhaps help others by writing down my experiences. I don't know if that's true, or if my own experience is too subjective, because of the fact that cancer and divorce happened to me twice, and were both so closely connected.
But maybe my words can help someone, so in that vein I will write more in depth of my personal experience. So let me start first with cancer.
My oldest daughter [now 30] contracted cancer when she was 2 and I was 23.My wife and I were living in California and after 2 weeks of testing we were given the news. Everyone freaked out. When I told my Father over the phone he started crying. It was one of 2 times I ever heard him cry. My wife was hysterical and I had to do all the talking to medical people because she wouldn't calm down enough to talk rationally.
I never let my daughter see me scared or cry. But while trying to keep my emotions in check, I had to withdraw into myself and couldn't spend as much time as my wife though I should have comforting her. So she resented me for not being there for her.
After surgery and a year of chemotherapy, my marriage began to break up. My wife ended up moving around a lot and even kept my daughter away from me for 3 years just to hurt me. I went into an emotional tailspin and barely survived. But I was there for my daughter when she needed me and so I don't regret what I did and the unforseen consequences of it. I moved back to my hometown in CT.
I met my 2nd wife while I was in this "lost weekend" period of my life and after 1 year of dating, and 2 years of living together we got married and moved to Florida where my first wife had settled for the past 5 years with my daughter. I wanted to be near her and my present wife was willing to move.
While this was happening, my Father was fighting his own battle with cancer. Which he eventually lost. He understood my desire to be with my daughter and told me I should be with my family. How I miss his wisdom and guidance. He had taught me how to be a man.So I left for Florida and 18 years passed.
And then cancer came for me.
But maybe my words can help someone, so in that vein I will write more in depth of my personal experience. So let me start first with cancer.
My oldest daughter [now 30] contracted cancer when she was 2 and I was 23.My wife and I were living in California and after 2 weeks of testing we were given the news. Everyone freaked out. When I told my Father over the phone he started crying. It was one of 2 times I ever heard him cry. My wife was hysterical and I had to do all the talking to medical people because she wouldn't calm down enough to talk rationally.
I never let my daughter see me scared or cry. But while trying to keep my emotions in check, I had to withdraw into myself and couldn't spend as much time as my wife though I should have comforting her. So she resented me for not being there for her.
After surgery and a year of chemotherapy, my marriage began to break up. My wife ended up moving around a lot and even kept my daughter away from me for 3 years just to hurt me. I went into an emotional tailspin and barely survived. But I was there for my daughter when she needed me and so I don't regret what I did and the unforseen consequences of it. I moved back to my hometown in CT.
I met my 2nd wife while I was in this "lost weekend" period of my life and after 1 year of dating, and 2 years of living together we got married and moved to Florida where my first wife had settled for the past 5 years with my daughter. I wanted to be near her and my present wife was willing to move.
While this was happening, my Father was fighting his own battle with cancer. Which he eventually lost. He understood my desire to be with my daughter and told me I should be with my family. How I miss his wisdom and guidance. He had taught me how to be a man.So I left for Florida and 18 years passed.
And then cancer came for me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The fog is lifting
It's been 9 months since the beginning of the year. 10 months since my cancer surgery. 8 months since my wife told me she didn't love me. And now I finally am starting to reclaim myself. I don't spend as much time arguing with her inside my head. She's almost gone. And its okay. Finally. The tide is turning.
I have nothing. But I also have nothing to lose. I'm starting to remember the person I am. And I like myself again. I'm not such a bad dude. I have my faults and the cancer may have changed me physically, But I am getting back to being me.
I've always been a survivor. And I still have my essence. I can feel it again.
It's good to be back. And I know I'm needed by my children so I still have a purpose. It's to be the man I always was.
So I'm putting away the self-pity. Drying out the crying towel and going over the hill of this long road.
I don't know where it will lead, but it will be new. And new is good.
Oh yeah, I can feel it.
"Rounding third and headed for home it was a brown-eyed handsome man who won the game, it was a brown-eyed handsome man."
Chuck Berry
I have nothing. But I also have nothing to lose. I'm starting to remember the person I am. And I like myself again. I'm not such a bad dude. I have my faults and the cancer may have changed me physically, But I am getting back to being me.
I've always been a survivor. And I still have my essence. I can feel it again.
It's good to be back. And I know I'm needed by my children so I still have a purpose. It's to be the man I always was.
So I'm putting away the self-pity. Drying out the crying towel and going over the hill of this long road.
I don't know where it will lead, but it will be new. And new is good.
Oh yeah, I can feel it.
"Rounding third and headed for home it was a brown-eyed handsome man who won the game, it was a brown-eyed handsome man."
Chuck Berry
Saturday, September 4, 2010
To be Stoic
I began this blog as a mental exercise to remind myself of the goals I aspire to now and always. Having to deal with the end of my marriage and cancer in six months has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, and so at times I've veered away from my beliefs and from the person I aspire to be.
So I started writing this blog to see in words, what I am feeling, and perhaps to exorcise the bad passions and emotions out of my soul through this very act of writing them down.
I aspire to be a Stoic wise man. I've studied many philosophies and all the major religions, and the Stoics always seemed to resonate with me and what I want to achieve in life.
The said to live according to your own nature. That virtue alone is sufficient for your happiness. And whatever is truly good must benefit you under all circumstances. Because sometimes money and even being healthy are not necessarily"good". They just are money and being healthy.It's up up you what you do with them.
The only things that are truly good are the virtues of wisdom, justice, courage and moderation.Only that which is noble or morally good are necessary for happiness.
You should not be manipulated by the bad passions, but instead be in command of your reactions and responses to things as they occur.
I have repeated these things to myself as I waged my internal war with my own bad passions and I am starting to win.
I am not yet the Stoic wise man but I will never stop trying to become him.
"For this is your duty, to act well the part that is given to you."
Epictetus
So I started writing this blog to see in words, what I am feeling, and perhaps to exorcise the bad passions and emotions out of my soul through this very act of writing them down.
I aspire to be a Stoic wise man. I've studied many philosophies and all the major religions, and the Stoics always seemed to resonate with me and what I want to achieve in life.
The said to live according to your own nature. That virtue alone is sufficient for your happiness. And whatever is truly good must benefit you under all circumstances. Because sometimes money and even being healthy are not necessarily"good". They just are money and being healthy.It's up up you what you do with them.
The only things that are truly good are the virtues of wisdom, justice, courage and moderation.Only that which is noble or morally good are necessary for happiness.
You should not be manipulated by the bad passions, but instead be in command of your reactions and responses to things as they occur.
I have repeated these things to myself as I waged my internal war with my own bad passions and I am starting to win.
I am not yet the Stoic wise man but I will never stop trying to become him.
"For this is your duty, to act well the part that is given to you."
Epictetus
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