In writing about cancer I am not trying to put myself over. I'm just telling my story. The way we all face life and death is in our own way, and it's just that-our own way. I didn't respect my first wife any less because she couldn't handle emotionally, the fact that our 2 year old had cancer. I felt the same way. I just couldn't freak out because I had to be there for my baby girl. It's who I am. It's what I was taught. The Family comes first.
I don't know how I did that. I was 23 and it was just us 3 alone in California. All I kept thinking was that I wouldn't ALLOW myself to be scared or cry in front of my daughter. It was not an option. It was war.
They say the first time you're in combat with the bullets flying by and your buddies are getting killed, that of course you're scared, of course you want to run and hide, but you move ahead and follow your orders. For your squad. For your buddies. So that you can kill the other guys and live another day. Not for God, or country but for the guys next to you who you love.
We all like to think we're brave, that we will do the right thing when our time comes but it's not always that easy. And if your buddy freaks out you don't look down on him. Because you know you could be there too.
When I was told I had cancer I was concerned more for my family, than for myself. I worried about my children being scared and how my wife would manage if I didn't make it. And my Mom, a cancer survivor herself who had lost her husband to cancer. How would my family react? I could only think of them.
So that helped me deal with it and detach myself from my own personal feelings. Of course I was scared but there are worse things than death. And to me, making my family suffer was more terrible than dying.
Even today with all the progress in the fight against cancer just the word itself scares the shit out of people.
I didn't tell anyone outside of the family until I went to get a biopsy. I was pretty sure it would be positive. I knew what the PSA [blood test] results meant. I had already had another biopsy the year before. So I was ready to hear that word. But most people aren't. People move away from you when you tell them. Like cancer is contagious. I told my Father when he was diagnosed about this and he thought I was being overly dramatic but 6 months later he understood what I meant. It's the fear of death. People think if they don't get too close, if they don't think about it or talk about it, it won't come for them.
When I told people at work, I would sometimes laugh at their shocked expressions. 'Are you going to be okay?' Some would ask. 'I'll try my best.' I'd say. And then tell them not too worry. 'It's okay, I'll see you later.'
And I was lucky. I had found it early and it was contained in my prostate, so surgery did the trick. But I was prepared for radiation too. And I like to think I would have been brave if it was long and not as successful a fight as it turned out. But I'm sure I wouldn't have been a perfect soldier. No one is.
I don't know what my wife went through. She probably felt guilty because she didn't want to stay married to me at the time, which I didn't know. So she didn't want to leave while I went through surgery and recovered. But she left soon after. And I try not to judge her for that. It's over now.It was my fight. And I won this time.I know what I'm made of and what's really important. Love and family. Love and family
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